I did not receive your most welcome letter till the midday post this morning, you see I do not lose much time, before I answer it - In the first place I must tell you why I have left Portsea &c- I came back to Brighton in January, My Sister, Mrs Pagliano’s marriage being all at an end, it is all for the best it never took place - she has taken a house, we came into it in April, the above is the address, I am now living with her as I did at Brook Green[1] her health is not good, she is so changed, does not go into society her only pleasure is going to thep2Church, and working at her needle for it, we are very near & it is a beautiful Church.
I will now speak on other matters pray do not think you have offended my dearest Teddy or myself, I am quite sure I may say our hearts cling to you with the same sincerity , and deep gratitude, that they ever did, You will be sorry to hear my dearest Edmund is in very delicate health, he was not able to remain in Rome, so he has been at the College at Monte Porzio[2] for some months, he has been suffering from great heat of stomach which has caused a very obstinate diarrhoea of nearly 3 months duration, it is a malady peculiar to & common in Italy - when in Rome our English Physician was called in top3see him, at first he wished him to return to England immediately but Edmund resisted that to the utmost - the last letter I had from him was written August the 9th he says (In health I am but pretty well just now it is owing to the great heat we are having now. A few days ago I had a slight attack of fever which however did no more harm than confineing me to bed for a day) I feel very anxious about my Edmund, God grants I may see him once more The College are now all out at Porzio till the 1st of November My Edmund will be made priest at Xmass[3] think he will come to England in February, at least I hope so - Have you not made a mistake dear Father about dear Teddy’s last, have you received no letter from him since 1862[4]p4Edmund has not said one word to me respecting what you may have said to him, would you mind telling me just the particulars you gave him, I am quite sure, you spoke to him of me in the same kind manner you would have done, had I been your Mother - My own Father, I feel a little fear but I rest on what you say videlicet[5] (the sense of regard & love can only have been increased in your son’s heart by what I told him) Pray never say or think we are estranged from you. I shall never forget that evening I opened my heart a little to you[6] I think I can say with perfect truth, I pray daily for you, always after Holy Communion continue to pray for me, that I may be a meek & gentle child, I am full of self-love & pride, I can say with you, what should I do, without our bless Lord, his sweet Mother and my dear St Joseph, When I remain from daily Communion, it is because I will have my own will, in spite*p1of the one who directs me, I am sure to repent my disobedience, how I should like to feel myself on my knees in your public confessional - do ask that good lady to pray for me - I will not forget her. I fear from what you say you do not feel strong, have you grown thin, perhaps the time may soon come when you will have your wish[7] Our Blessed Jesus will give you those kind hearts you desire, our dearest Lord will never let you pine away with so Holy a wish, how I am talking, but it is to my own Father, who knows what a poor sorrowing Child I am - I love to think*p2my Edmund was a comfort to you, how I wish I could be the same - My brother the Doctor I am grieved to say is married again & to a Protestant Charles the Boy you knew is at a Catholic College - it is very sad - My Sister Mrs Pagliano desires to be very kindly remembered to you & will you pray for her - I am not strong I do not use my crutch now, I suffer so much pain in my legs[8] Suffering takes us to God - when perhaps nothing else would, the way of the Holy Cross is the safe road, may I be patient & found*p3always loveing - A thousand thanks for your Blessing always do so when you think of me - I hope you will soon write again I only said to my Sister a short time since (I wonder if Mr Gezelle will come to England this vacation) so you see I had not forgotten you my Father - I must finish this it is just posttime, I am expecting soon to hear from dear Edmund I shall tell him all about you in my next, would you advise me to say*p4anything about my unhappy self without he ever mentions anything to me, tell me in your next -