Jesus, Mary, Dominic & Catherine
at Courtrai
I could not have a heavier cross in my present difficult position than that of losing your kind & firm support; each time I have asked to be taken back to my Convent & have been refused, the thought of the peace of Soul given me through your means, the facility wherewith I could open out; & your firmness against my selfwill & uncontrolable[1] self-indulgent nature made me feel safe in your hands, & made the cross of being out of my convent light.
Now that help is taken from me, I am thrown into a terrible state of fear & desolation
I am certain you know how difficult it will be for me to keep good without that kind firm direction.
It has often been that I felt not as open as I would wish to be, & yet now I feel you knew the state of my Soul, like an open book, when scruples or troubles arrivedp2it was often enough to make up my mind that I would put it all before you, & the trouble would leave me.
Reverend & dear father you have been a kind and patient father to me ever since I left my Convent, will you not finish by writing to Reverend Mother Provinciel to ask her to take me back, I feel so intensely my own weakness & instability that a terrible dread has come over me & I cannot stay here without your firm fatherly support & correction, I feel so ill this morning from fretting I knew it some hours before getting your card, Reverend Mother Clare told me, but she tryed[2] to make me feel that it might after all not take place. Permit me to remind you dear Reverend father that my position here is a difficult one, & of course things are different to me than to a secular and I need a continuance of that Direction which its only lately I have began[3] to do myself voilence[4] enough to follow.
I thank you dear father in Christ with a heart very full of love gratitude & grief for all you have done for me both for Soul & body. I know my selfwill, & love of freedom has made me act ungratefully but I am certain there is not one of your spiritual Children who feel your lossp3more than I do. I had such confidence that I would go straight from your care back to my Convent.
Dear Reverend father if I may not return to my Convent I shall ask to leave Courtrai. Our Mother desires my good & happiness, she is willing to make the trial as light as possible & I feel sure will change me if I come to Bruges. you will not refuse me that direction & help which you have so patiently & kindly given me, I seemed to be making some advance in going against my disorderly inclinations. I would do my utmost to continue these efforts, but if stay here, I don't know how I shall get on. you are the first to whom I have been able to come with such ease for Confession & it will be so difficult in my position to begin with another moreover no other will have patience for long with my stupid slowness & trying ways.
I shall ask for a change from here, I shall lose my lessons, but I would prefer to go in want of things than have my soul all upset without your help.
Reverend & dear father if I can get into that English Convent, will you permit it? I get on here exteriorly quietly & the Mother always speaks nicely of me to Mme Vercruysse[5]p4often things look worse when acknowledged in the light of holy Confession. I should give the Nuns no trouble now I am better in health I have more self control, also I have lost that vague loneliness, & those states of restlessness which made me desirous of making friends & talking, I have for some time followed your advise[6] kept to myself so far as all concerned here in the house, & if anyone happens to meet me & begins to speak in a complaining way, I never enter into it, indeed I follow your direction more than it has appeared so if I can get Our Mother to move me to Bruge[7] dear Reverend father please receive me you will not regrett[8] it. Also I would be glad to move from Courtrai where many have got to know what I am; I should like to know fewer people & live more in accordance to the direction hitherto given me by yourself Reverend father.
I must not be selfish in only thinking of my own loss. I fear you must suffer also at this change, it is usual to congratulate Superiors &c. on any appointment, but I feel more like condoling with you.
Again thanking you dear Reverend father for all your past care, patience & kindness, begging earnestly your prayers & blessing