I will try & be as short & precise as possible. Another crisis has arrived as regards my boys. You know I have tried to take James my afflicted boy home. fancying it would be more pleasing to God but I see clearly now this is not His will & I am satisfied

Frederick is now eighteen his apprenticeship terminates in Novr and I have not a place in view yet. for five years past beyond going on Sunday Morng Morning to Mass he has been breathing Methodistical air obliged to hear their Eveng Evening Prayers — &c. & when over he re I found him awfully luke warm I have no one in the World to apply to in London or else where to get him into a good house of business and it involves upon me to find some thing for him as he has no energy or notion of doing so himself I wish to get him into some good wholesale grocery establishment where they will board him in the house as he might go just like Robt if he boarded out I saw enough when he was here he is only steady just now for want of opportunity to be otherwise! the thing is to place him again where he will be strictly watched & unless I go myself to London nothing will be done & I will have the same trouble over again that I havehad with Robt — the battle of life is great it is the will of God it should be so He mixes the cup & we must take it with all its bitters He knows well what each Soul requires but Oh dear there have been times when I have felt prostrate with affliction hardly able to crawl on!. We so soon tire of hearing each others sorrows the heart has is obliged at last to learn to suffer alone with its God & it is sweet to do so & know & feel that He suffers with us & what a Providence I have found Him I am always assisted out of my difficulties. but I must go on & not wearry you I couldwrite volumes! — I feel so deeply grieved that Robt is out of the Church for you know he had joined it once & was in earnest. and I have been the means of his leaving for the time I was so grievously tempted I did all in my power to get him to leave too & I succeeded having done so I leave you to guess my anguish Why may I not try again for good. I have tryed but of course the boy must think me foolish & my trying can do nothing if God does not give Him the grace. My Prayers have been sincere & fervent for the last five years He knows the restless nights the heavy tears of true contrition ithas caused me & I ask him why O Lord dost thou delay what more dost thou require of me & I am ready. perhaps I ought to be resigned to let every thing remain as it is but if so I am not resigned I long to be near them to talk to them to try & use my influence for the good of their souls not from mere motherly earthly love for believe me in all sincerity if I thought it was Gods will I could bear never to behold them again I could give them all up without a murmur. but at present I fear God thinks I am neglecting their Souls & doing or trying to do good to those who have not the same claim on me. at any rate surely I ought to go to London for a fewmonths to get Fred settled? Do you fear loss to my own soul?. oh no Father I think I am safe to travel the whole World over. Like St Peter I would not be too confident but can say three times over as he said “Lord thou knowest that I love thee” I never read controversy I never put myself in the temptation & I promise you I won’t I will keep quite quiet & it may be that I may return to Bruges. at any rate I leave a cross behind me in my poor boy

Haar zoon James bleef achter in Brugge.