As you anticipated, the servant I have could not bear to be kept in, and as I refused permission for her to go to Blankenberghe she has chosen to go off at once, and I must acknowledge that I feel relieved. I could not bear to have a character like that about my children and myself, and I really felt nervous when I thought of Mr. W(eale)[1] being away for a month, and I alone all those nights without any protection. It makes me shudder still when I remember that people said that Caroline[2] admitted men into our house at night. It makes one miserable and unhappy, to find how terribly wicked the world is, and certainly helps one to looking forward with pleasure to the next.
I asked Mr. W(eale)[3] about St.Basil’s[4] and he says that it is dedicated to the great St. Basil, and that there is a picture representing some scene from his life: it is either in the lower, or upper chapel, he does not know which, but it is a daub.
I am afraid, dear father, that perhaps I vexed you by staying rather late last night. If so, you need forgive me, and I shall try and not offend again in that way.
I hardly dare prefer a request which I have very often asked before but which you don’t seem inclined to grant, it is that you would be so kind as to let me have for a short time all the letters which passed between us. I am extremely anxious to read them once again, and then I will do whatever you please with them, throw them into the fire or return them to you, or keep them myself. I should prefer keeping them, but it shall be just as you please. I really want to read them[5] so please dear father don’t refuse me, and I don’t think you would do so, if you knew how often I have been in want of the counsel and comfort those letters would have given me. You will say perhaps that I ought to have gone to you at once if I wanted either one or the other, but it is sometimes so difficult to tell what is the matter, and it does seem childish to run and tell every little trouble. I know that it is just the thing I should naturally do, and indeed I have had hard p2work at times to overcome myself on that point.
Do you remember, father, the time I stayed away from confession for so long a time? I thought at times that I should have gone distracted. I had no one to say a kind word to me or to try and calm me and in my anger I resolved to write to one[6] whom I knew had a great affection for me, and whom I felt certain would do all in his power to console me. I stayed awake a whole night thinking what I should write to him. But my good angel did not leave me alone with my own weak heart, and something told me that I should commit a sin if I wrote whilst I was in that frame of mind. There was a sharp struggle for a time but I thought I would put off writing for a few days, until I was a little calmer and stronger, and when I felt that the evil mood had passed. I wrote and begged him to come and stay with us for a time, and he did so, and I felt happier and better also after his visit although I could not make up my mind about going to confession, and indeed it was not till after he came and stayed with me for a few days a second time that I felt soothed and humble enough to confess my iniquities.
You may think it strange that I should mention this now, as I have never done so before, but the fact is I have the intention of making a general confession soon and as I am sure I should not speak of this I determined to mention it now for I don’t like to keep anything back even though I think there is no sin in it. My purpose is to make my general confession on St. Bernards’s eve.[7] I shall have been your tiresome, troublesome, wayward, disobedient, but affectionate child for five years, and I hope that during the next five years I shall be so good and obedient that you will not regret having taken me in hand. I do not know, dear father, whether I had better make a confession of my whole life or simply of the five years I have been with you; and please father don’t say “do what you like” but decide for me which is best for me to do. I want to be perfectly at rest, so if anything should come upon me suddenly I should not fret and torment myself about my past life.
I am really glad that W(eale)[8] is going to Germany soon, as itp3will give me time and rest to think over everything, but I shall dread his coming back. It seems a wicked thing to say but I know that you will not misunderstand me. I am trying to be very good to him, and I am sure that he is pretty well contented with my conduct towards him, but I find it very hard at times to repress every feeling and desire and never say a word on the subject but I thank our dear Lord that he has given me (me) strength so far and perhaps He will continue it to the end.
