Ostend.
I have returned to Ostend thinking it was the course you seemed most to advise for believe me I am willing to submit wholly to your direction & try and mortify my own will in this & all else for the future.
You said yesterday If you were me “you would stay where you were” but if you were me you would soon wish to be yourself again! yours is ap2useful sphere of life whereas mine is an empty void: God knows my feelings on this subject but I must exercise patience. Knock, & Pray. for grace to enable me to be fit for some vocation or labour of love in our Lords vineyard at present. “Shall the worm say to its Maker why hath thou made me thus? Give me grace to know Thy will and courage to follow it as this is all I truly desire”. Solitude seems to have takenp3such a hold of me of late that I feel as if I could run right off from every one.
I shall reserve the privilege of coming up occasionally to Bruges to torment you with new whims & fancies! though believe me I am sorry I give you so much trouble though I would willingly do any thing for you in return I had built many “castles in the air” for this Winter one was to carry hot coffee or soup to some of your poor where I could have donep4so unknown to any one but yourself. My greatest pleasure on earth is to help Gods poor and it is a great privation not being able to say a kind word to them I hope your poor sick patient is better? After supplying all my boys[1] wants I think I can master 30 £ a year for my own purposes now and I am sure out of this sum I might do a little good under your direction but here I am obliged to study dress & appearance & one way & another there is no very great saving beyond a more luxurious life & this is not always the best for one who aims at perfection*p4 (however I am not going to harp more on the subject.