I have been absent now for some weeks. I wrote at once to my Mother proposing my visit but she wrote putting me off & said it was better to get Frederick settled first. I have not succeeded as yet. it is not such an easy matter but I must go on & persevere he leaves his present place on the 25th of this month he has spent his Sunday Afternoons with me.

I had George up from Greenwichp2for a day he is full of complaints about his school he has begun Latin but he can’t bear it. It appears that a young lad teaches the Latin in George’s class & George says he is constantly being caned & beat that he has no heart to try & learn it. you see Dr Tod is never there himself it is only a second class school & young men as teachers who I daresay are not posessed with too much patience, George is now fourteen and I think he should be in a better school he doesp3not speak grammatically his associates there are only of the poorer class. I pay £20 there for George but the most of them pay nothing at all.

I am living close to St Mary of the Angels at Bayswater where there are plenty of Masses every Morning & Benediction in the Evening — I have been thoroughly enjoying the Sermons. the Arch bishop preached the other day the church was crowded but I paid rather dearly for my Sermon as I had my pocketp4picked my purse taken and lost £1. some odd silver & a dozen postage stamps which took away a good portion of the Sermon from my head! — It is awfully expensive living here I can’t stand it half starvation I only pay 6d[1] for my dinner but feel as hungry as before I begun!! — Coals, & apartments, run away with all the money. I advertised in the Times for a situation as a daily governess to go out a few hours teaching in the day paid 6/s[2] for the advertisement walked my feet off & have got nothingp5I will soon be in a peck of troubles again for my money will be gone before the Winter is half over! — Robert is at Aldershot I have not seen him but we are keeping up a brisk correspondence. My heart aches over them all but especially with him as he has no religion if praying will bring him round I do most fervently but God knows best. I must be patient & humble. My life is a very strange one never at rest perhaps it is my own fault? — I am often tempted to wish I had no children & could enjoy God without these constant distractions about them butp6I suppose this is giving way to a morbid feeling for there is no turning away from the battle of life & we cannot enjoy Heaven before the time. every now & then there comes a labyrinth of difficulties to surmount & I am just at that crisis at present but it is not the first time & won’t be the last!

I have acted by your advice merely gone to confession but not sought direction I am living such a perfect life of seclusion we each have our own room & quite independent of each other (the best way to keepp7friends) of course we are both aiming at the same object to gain Heaven but can’t always agree her[3] views & mine don’t always coincide & I have to be very humble & swallow all quietly I keep peace by so doing. I have taken a large class of poor girls to teach on Sundays. catechism, writing, & reading. Father Butler gave me this work. and I did not refuse as I will get my hand in for teaching if I get any work to do. there is always plenty to be had without pay! I have taken in dresses to make for the poor children because I can’t sit all day & do nothingp8& am trying to do all with a pure intention hoping God will give me something more profitable by & bye. What I should like is a home with a salary as useful companion & House keeper. so that I may push George’s education on & place him in a better school as I still hope he will be a Priest and I don’t wish him to be disgusted with his Latin poor boy Do you think I would be of any use in the Duchesss of Norfolk’s Establishment? perhaps you would not like to ask her? she might know of some one who would take me? — I must still work onp9I cannot rest on my oars so long as the boys have to be provided for so if you can help me I know you have the will.

Now I must enquire after my girls especially poor Mary I often think of her poor child hers will be a battle of life too. I wish she was safe in a convent or else with myself When I get my own money Deo volente[4] I hope to return to dear old Bruges & do some little good for others. remember me kindly to all my girls ask their prayers for me for I think they have all innocent hearts. and dear Father Gezellep10though I am absent don’t forget me My life is one of sorrow I try to look cheerful but my heart is sad enough. the hope of heaven is all that keeps me up. safely can I say there is nothing now between me & my God. & my only ambition is to be daily nearer, & nearer my God. this world is nothing but an empty void a long wearry exile you know it well?! —

Pray then for me that I may have more fervour in prayer for it is dreadful to feel so ridgid as I do at times. I go to Holy Communion every Morning tell me some thingsp11to ask God for in my Communions I think I don’t make enough of them I want to get on & I don’t know how do write to me I know you have lots to do but for once indulge me and when I return I will do something for you.