Bruges
Were you not surprised to see me and Mrs Wood[1] at the Station to day - I went yesterday with Mrs Mead & Daughter to obtain my Passport[2] intending to remain until Saturday but felt so ill I returned without my Passport the Consul being out -. Mrs Wood kindly volunteered to accompany me to day which I was really thankful for for I felt totally unequal to walk about by myself -p2She said this Evening “You did not introduce me to Mr Gezelle” - to which I replied - Why no I saw he had had quite enough of us & was very anxious to get rid of both of us - Have you seen the Vicar General yet?[3] & Are you ill? You dont look quite the thing I feel an immense amount of matters to confess - I should like to do so before going to Germany I wonder whether I am guilty of rash Judgement - I am quite sure I am right in wishing to change my Confessor - but still It would be well if I looked less to the Motes in my neighbours’ eyes & more to the beams in my ownp3You must think I deal in detraction very largely - I dont think I feel proud either for I think Almighty God must find it necessary to send me so many pains, and miseries for my past sins, or to prevent future ones or I should not have them - I never pray for good health - but these overwhelming pains - I must hope to get rid of - I have written to Mr Saffenreuter telling him there is a prospect of my going to Germany - Have you ever noticed that beautiful Prayer in the Garden of the Soul[4] I think it is / Oh All you happy Souls who not retaining at your death the slightest irregular adherencep4to any creature are capable of an immediate Union with your heavenly Creator Pray for the Souls of the Faithful departed” I have been to Holy Communion twice since you wished me to go, & since then it has not been from disinclination that I have abstained or Scruples but it has been an impossibility Remember me in your Prayers for I cannot often pray much for myself - I shall never reach Heaven by my Prayers I fear - I dont Pray enough & perhaps that is why I suffer
Hoping to have a favorable answer from the Vicar Generalp5and that I may have an opportunity of going to Confession before I go to Germany
I understand Mrs Woodward is quite out of conceit with the Belgium Schools for Boys - Both St Louis & Roulers - Her Son has an appointment, went to England to pass his examination I hear & was plucked & that now it will cost Mr Woodward £ 300 for Masters to cram him before he can fulfil his postp6I hope. Namur school will be better[5] I think so - I feel better this Morning - & would fain stay in Bruges - & save my money for my children instead of wandering hither & thither like a lost spirit but I believe tomorrow I shall be as bad again - unless the Stimulant of Sea-air or medicinal Waters be repeated - One of my greatest crosses is that I am sure many people believe that it is inclination and not necessity (I am sure Mr Algar did) that sends me on my peregrinations - I enjoy travelling amazingly. the beautiful scenery & the woods & the hills and the rivers seem to infuse freshp7life in me - but I believe I should rarely or ever indulge in it if I were well - and I feel very angry because people will not believe me - So it is that we each sit in judgement upon one another - By the bye when I entered the Station the carriages did not draw up to the platform and I stood in the steps for many minutes vainly trying to excite the commisseration of your friends the 3 Priests to lend me a helping hand to descend - not a bit of it I might have broken my neck for aught they seemed to care - however some Young Man at a distance came running to the rescue - and I found he wasp8English - Now I call such particularity or indifference as that - judge & humbug either in Laymen or Priests - and I am happy to say my Countrymen would laugh at it - We are all so naturally inclined to extremes that in avoiding Scylla we run on Charybdis[6] I am not vexed with you for bringing my gossip to a speedy conclusion at the Station You were perfectly right - that was unnecessary - I shall be so glad if the Waters & air of Germany will restore my health - for I seem a perfectly useless being now - except to spend money & give trouble -