I thank you very much indeed for the letters although there are several missing on both sides. If you should come across them I would be extremely glad to have them also.
I am very pleased to find that I have kept the chief resolutions that I made from time to time, but there are several things which I am pleased to have again impressed on my memory. I have read your letters twice over very attentively, in order to be able to bear in mind the advices you have given me. I feel that I am changed since those days, but I think that it is a change that would come naturally with years. I say with years for your last letter is datedp2assumption day[1] 1865. nearly four years ago! I suppose the fact is that with conviction comes a certain calmness, enough at any rate to enable one to be as that which seems unendurable at times. And since I have felt convinced that I have not the slightest chance of a change of life I have tried to be as amiable as it is in my nature to be with him, on that point at least, and I have acquired sufficient self-control to bear with patience (at least outwardly) all those trials which come to me.
I told you where last I wrote, that I dread his coming back, and so I do. I am not strong now, and cannot well endure what at another time I might manage I have several times lately been on the point of giving way to a burst of impatience, and have been obliged to call to mind all the good resolutions I have made to enable me to bear it with patience and humility. I have not thought it necessary to specify those fits of impatience in confession, as I reallyp3dont think they are wilful on my part so I pop them in with all the other fits If I am wrong in so doing you must correct me if you please father. There is another thing I want you to tell me, and it is this. I wish to know whether I might, without doing wrong, ask W= when he comes back to allow me to be free now till after my trial is over. If not entirely free, yet as much as it is possible for him to allow. If he consented, I should should propose to occupy a separate bedroom. I suppose that would not give scandel?[2] I really think that women in my position ought to be allowed rest and quiet. If however you tell me that I ought not to ask any such favour, I will try my best to be good, but I am afraid
I hope dear father that you pray for me earnestly, I do need it so much I really try to make a firm purpose of amendment every time I go to confession but somehow it is just the same tale I have to tell next time, and it is so vexatious to be always saying the same thing over and over. You have not told me yet about my general confession, whether I had better make onep4of my whole life, or simply of the five years I have been with you, and as I said before, I wish you would tell me which I had better do. I do not like to have to decide for myself in those cases.
I think I ought to tell you that I do not expect my next little one before the 15th of October It is dreadful to think of its being the 7th and no certainty of its being the last If I could only hope that it might be so, but I have no hope. I never pray now that any special wish may be granted for I always think that it is a sure way not to get it. It is quite true, that I niver get my prayers answered so I have lost all confidence
I wish very much for a visit from you if you could spare half an hour tomorrow after your dinner. I am writing to night so of course you wont get this till to-morrow mornng.[3] I want to have a little talk about two or three things. and I cannot come to your house as I have no workwoman to-morrow.
Hoping to see you then