Bruges.
I will try & be as short & precise as possible. Another crisis has arrived as regards my boys. You know I have tried to take James my afflicted boy home. fancying it would be more pleasing to God but I see clearly now this is not His will & I am satisfied
Frederick is now eighteen his apprenticeship terminates in Novr and I have not a place in view yet. for five years past beyond going on Sunday Morning to Mass he has been breathing Methodistical air obliged to hear their Evening Prayers — &c. & when over here I found him awfully luke warm I have no one in the World to apply to in Londonp2or else where to get him into a good house of business and it involves upon me to find some thing for him as he has no energy or notion of doing so himself I wish to get him into some good wholesale grocery establishment where they will board him in the house as he might go just like Robt if he boarded out I saw enough when he was here he is only steady just now for want of opportunity to be otherwise! the thing is to place him again where he will be strictly watched & unless I go myself to London nothing will be done & I will have the same trouble over again that I havep3had with Robt — the battle of life is great it is the will of God it should be so He mixes the cup & we must take it with all its bitters He knows well what each Soul requires but Oh dear there have been times when I have felt prostrate with affliction hardly able to crawl on!. We so soon tire of hearing each others sorrows the heart is obliged at last to learn to suffer alone with its God & it is sweet to do so & know & feel that He suffers with us & what a Providence I have found Him I am always assisted out of my difficulties. but I must go on & not weary you I couldp4write volumes! — I feel so deeply grieved that Robt is out of the Church for you know he had joined it once & was in earnest. and I have been the means of his leaving for the time I was so grievously tempted I did all in my power to get him to leave too & I succeeded having done so I leave you to guess my anguish Why may I not try again for good. I have tryed but of course the boy must think me foolish & my trying can do nothing if God does not give Him the grace. My Prayers have been sincere & fervent for the last five years He knows the restless nights the heavy tears of true contrition itp5has caused me & I ask him why O Lord dost thou delay what more dost thou require of me & I am ready. perhaps I ought to be resigned to let every thing remain as it is but if so I am not resigned I long to be near them to talk to them to try & use my influence for the good of their souls not from mere motherly earthly love for believe me in all sincerity if I thought it was Gods will I could bear never to behold them again I could give them all up without a murmur. but at present I fear God thinks I am neglecting their Souls & doing or trying to do good to those who have not the same claim on me. at any rate surely I ought to go to London for a fewp6months to get Fred settled? Do you fear loss to my own soul?. oh no Father I think I am safe to travel the whole World over. Like St Peter I would not be too confident but can say three times over as he said “Lord thou knowest that I love thee” I never read controversy I never put myself in the temptation & I promise you I won’t I will keep quite quiet & it may be that I may return to Bruges. at any rate I leave a cross behind me in my poor boy[1] from time to time Deo volente I can return & stop a month or two & my goodp7Father if spared will see & judge for him self whether all is right that is to say if you still approve of my plan to go without saying for how long leaving all for Providence to decide I think about the middle of next month as I require to exert myself to have something for Fred by the time he leaves. so as to save my purse. to do all this I must sell the little Furniture I have to pay off a few small debts here & keep me in London as you know at present I have not a centime Mrs Perkins 12/- per week is keeping the trio[2]p8as far as it will go but I am obliged to take a little credit as neither of us are strong & the doctor tells me my pulse is too low which causes my headaches. God help us all! troubles but shorten the road to Heaven.